Friday, May 27, 2005

The Pilgrims' Progress - Part the Second.

I hate farewells. There's something about departures which saddens me immensely. Unfortunately, I happen to live in one of the most transient cities in the world. People come here for three year postings and take off to the other end of the universe. It's par for the course, but even after a decade of living here, I have yet to get used to it. I suppose one could try and avoid meeting diplos altogether but it happens. Diplo Version 1 (to borrow Sin's terminology) is leaving and I decided to host a small farewell for him last night. Diplo has been a good friend during his two and some year stint here and we share many interests in common. Being the multi tasker that I am, I also decided to help Lady M and the Brunette by using the farewell dinner as a mask of sorts, so they could invite their respective lust objects over.
First, the Brunette. I had decided to invite Mr Darcy to see if any chemistry could be built up. The Brunette, you will recall, had lost a shoe the last time I tried to bring them together. Mr Darcy was duly called and he accepted the invitation with great enthusiasm. Alas, the day before he called to apologise. Work was taking him to Bangkok. Hang on. Nobody goes to Bangkok on work. Is Mr Darcy just another frustrated sex tourist? We don't know. For now I am tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
And then there's Lady M. Alas, her objet du jour was in town and was the first person to arrive. The Jellyfish (as I shall henceforth refer to him) hasn't changed one bit. He exuded false confidence from every pore. His opening gambit was to rubbish my Davidoff cigar and suggest I smoke a Cuban instead. Pretentious twat. Beware of men who insist on consuming what is popularly perceived to be the best. Things could only get worse. And they did. One of my guests (the Princess) arrived from the other side of the Border. The Princess is pretty and bright. The Jellyfish is neither. He tried his damndest to get to know the Princess better, but if there's one thing royalty knows, it is how to deliver a royal snub. Try as he may, the Jellyfish made no headway. The Princess won hands down. Her body langauge screamed "Get away from me you oily sleazebag."
And then came the grand finale. Having failed with the Princess, the Jellyfish decided to bond with me. Big mistake. I am not an easy bonder. It takes me time to mull, muse, chew and ruminate over who my pals are. I have very few, but I prefer it that way. The bonding technique was crude to the point of ...well...a good puke. "Have you ever had it off with a north Chinese woman?" Me: "Errr. No. Actually not South Chinese either" I replied, thereby wiping off the possibility of sexual conquest with a third of the World's female population. "Great sex. And they're tall." This, I think, was an oblique reference to Lady M who is not the world's tallest person. I could feel the enamel on my teeth begin to crumble to powder. "I have a Moroccan woman in London. She looks like Angelina Jolie." Hang on. This was becoming repellant. Clearly, the Jellyfish could not have much of an interest in Lady M, if he was regaling her best friend of his Occidental and Oriental shags.
I am now stuck with having to tell Lady M the sad truth. A truth I sensed at the outset but I had to wait to have proven. The Jellyfish is an asshole of the highest order. She looked so obliviously happy last night that I was scared to broach the subject. She suggested dinner with him tomorrow and I declined in no uncertain terms. Men are complete bastards. I am contemplating lesbianism as a serious alternative. Ciao.


Blogger say what? said...

haha .. sad but yeh not all men are bad .. infact i have seen the same type of women as that guy ..

snobbish .. and tryin to find out if the guy they are talkin to is classy or not by judging the fabric hes wearing and the scent if pleases them ..

its a different class of people altogether that needs to be judged not all men ..

and there are always ways to control such people ;) .. its bad being manipulative but when things like this happen there is no alternative .. suggestion would be to let the man know the facts that cuban cigars dont give much money to the poor people in cuba instead the money goes in the pockets of already rich people .. who are also involved in drugs and other stuff that causes transfer of weapons and what not (just enough eloquence to leave them puzzled as they wont have the mental capability to deal with it) ..

11:16 am  
Blogger livinghigh said...

aaawwww... poor lady M.

I dunno... Darcy may have been above board after all. So, how'd de party go for de brunette?

u, i presume, were too busy entertaining to actually entertain?

3:14 pm  
Blogger s said...

"I am contemplating lesbianism as a serious alternative"


may i be your first lesbian experience?

2:34 pm  
Blogger Sin said...

Sarah, you most certainly may NOT! If there's any Sapphic experiences to be shared, I'M sharing them. If there're any trips to be taken to the Isle of Lesbos, I'M taking them!

I do, however, refuse completely and utterly to wear plaid and/or flannel unless it's PJs. Sorry Uber, you're on your own there.

1:51 am  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

tdh: For every man, there is an equal and opposite woman. Yes, cigars are exploitative. But then so are Nikes,coffee, Nestle and a zillion other things. Do we give them ALL up and keep our consciences clean. In my heady youth I gave up all things Israeli and South African....but that was EASY!

12:47 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

livinghigh: when I entertain my friends describe me as the "hostess trolly" ..i.e. i focus entirely on emptying ashtrays and filling glasses. Really quite dull, but it allows the evening to go by faster. Have you noticed that every party reaches critical mass .. a point by which the host can safely go up to bed, but the party will continue regardless ?

12:49 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Sarah: But don't you have to be a lesbian too ? Or is being a woman enuff ?? :)

12:54 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Sin; I have lots of PJ's flannel and otherwise. Maybe I'm halfway there already!

12:54 pm  
Blogger s said...

sin, i pursued you for years and years (or thats what it feels like) and you did not respond. so SCREW YOU, at least let me get it on with uber homme!

and uber homme, i'd say being a woman is enough, because it wouldn't strictly be a lesbian experience, given your (presumed) possession of the one eyed snake!!

10:03 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Sarah: ingenious reasoning there. You sure you don't moonlight as a hot shot lawyer ?

9:08 pm  

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