Monday, August 29, 2005

C***K F***k

In addition to Lite Lit I've survived the weekend on a diet of outrageously good looking men For example, I've spent the friday night with Richard Gere, who I encountered when he was much younger (and so was I) in Paul Schrader's terrific American Gigolo. I went to see the film twice (on consecutive days) in London, once with my mother in tow. On Saturday night, I decided to stay in for a QNI (quiet night in) with Ashton Kutcher. He's an interesting kind of guy once you rid your mind of the perennial nerd in That Seventies Show. He's a pretty awful actor, but you get the feeling that he's trying really hard. He has an interesting, almost androgynous face, bow stung lips and skinny legs which he's not afraid of showing. And to round off this hat trick of delights, I encountered Martin Vartan late on Sunday night. He's kind of scrawny rugged (unless that's an oxymoron) fortunately playing a character in his thirties. He has a great smile and a face with a ....history. His best lines are on his face-not his script.

The films in question seem to have been designed with a female/gay audience in mind. I have been told not to refer to them as Ch**k flicks as the term is derogatory to women. I agree and I shall desist. Having started with a PC qualification all these films are derogatory as well-to men! Why did I watch them. Well, they looked light enough for a weekend. (My Bergman collection is, therefore, still in its original wrapping.) The cast looked attractive-as though beauty may-just may-compensate for some crap scripts floating around in there. The triumvirate of beauty tried their damndest, but the crap won out at the end of the day.

Shall We Dance, is outrageously bad. It stars (if that is the right word) Richard Gere as a New York probate lawyer who chances upon a seedy dance school. Jennifer Lopez plays the objet of attraction. She actually shines through as her script has been sensibly pared down to a series of monosyllables. She ends up doing what she's good at - dancing and looking Good. Gere is so outrageously bad, that I had to hold a cushion to my face. Even asphyxiation didn't work. A Lot Like Love was treading in wannabe When Harry Met Sally territory. Ashton K together with Amanda Peel "star" as strangers who meet (and shag) on a flight. A relationship (or something like it) develops over the years. No prizes for guessing what happens. Monster in Law has Vartan and Jennifer Lopez (yet again) playing star crossed lovers unsuccesfully kept at bay by his mother-the indefatigable Jane Fonda (doing Joan Collins on a bad hair day). This time Lopez is unable to fall back on dance and grapples with a script so unutterably bad, that the highlights come from physical comedy- mother and daughter sock it to each other Laurel and Hardy style.

So what does one deduce from all this froth. Well for one, men are beautiful but generically stupid. If that ain't sexist, what is?! Two. Jennifer Lopez should stop making films. Three: Life always has a happy ending. Four: Women are obsessed with finding the right man-never the other way round. Five: If the script becomes really bad fall back on song and dance to keep it going. Six: I could do with another dose of froth-but at least a month later.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you want to continue with the bad film marathon, I suggest you get "The Wedding Date".

1:42 pm  
Blogger rocky said...

hey, it's michael vartan - not martin. and no, i don't know this because i'm a 'chick flick' fan, it's because i googled him since he looked pretty hot and vaguely familiar.

all three films sound terrible - i've watched 'shall we dance' and wondered what the hell happened to susan sarandon and richard gere (these two at least had a bit more credibility than jenny from the block).

i just switch on the television when i want to get entertained without getting involved.

and yes, men ARE beautiful but stupid and women ARE obsessed with the 'right man'...

and at least bollywood always knew that little gem about falling back on song and dance!

3:55 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Rocky: Sorry for the name cock up! I just did Vartan on google to look for the picture!

Anonymous: Alas, I've seen the Wedding Date as well. A woman friend insisted on dragging me to see it in London on one of my evenings there!

7:50 pm  
Anonymous happy said...

thankfully i dont zombie-out on flicks...i'd rather slap on some nice green mudmask leave rollers in my hair and put on a nice lil kimono thingie (big hit with the hubby lot...very breezy and accessible..also in the summers it areates the thighs)

11:45 pm  
Anonymous closetalk said...

so, does de bezels become a review blog these days? ;-)
haven't seen Gigolo, but can't STAND ashton, and I think jlo's actually quite cute! ;-)

PS: read Hungry Tide: nice, but not his best. have u read Glass Palace? now dats impressive.

10:24 pm  
Blogger say what? said...

i wonder what do women who cant find their perfect men do?

3:37 am  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

TDH: I have no idea. What do men who can't the perfect woman (or man) do? Does the perfect person exist ?

11:12 am  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Closetalk: I'm reading the Glass Palace right now. Its Bollywoodesque (the use of amazing coincidence from Bombay to Rangoon!) but immensely enjoyable.

11:13 am  
Anonymous Sin said...

I despise Kutcher, am ambivalent about Gere, but madly in love with Vartan. Ever since I saw "Never Been Kissed", I've been convinced that he's the only man for me.

6:42 pm  

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