What Lurks Beneath

My friend Lady M (she who is all knowing) swears that you can tell all you need to know about a man by looking at his shoes. Be they trainers, brogues, sandals, oxfords or any other known form of footwear. Save yourself unnecessary heartache – just check his shoe closet and all will be revealed. My own – less scientific- theory has to do with what he wears beneath it all- his underwear. This can reveal tomes about the wearer. The only problem with my theory is that by the time you get to the last layer of the onion, it is usually too late (and very impolite) to beat a hasty retreat.

The statistics are divided between those who do and those who don’t. This is consistent with my theory that many Pakistani men simply don’t – wear any that is. This is empirically observable on a windy day and by the amount of unwarranted genital scratching that can be observed by any junior anthropologist. (No dummy –it’s not the starch.) Ofcourse, a conscious absence of undergarments can mean that the wearer is truly liberated, does not believe in restriction (constriction?) and enjoys letting it all hang free.

Of those who do, there are boxer men. These are largely confined to the imagination of admen who dream up these dreamy, soft focus black and white nymph-like creatures in elaborately crafted fashion shoots. In order to carry off boxers you need (nay, must have) an absolutely flat abdomen. Flat. To test if you have one, fill a wine glass with dry Bordeaux and leave it on your tummy for an hour. If it hasn’t toppled over, then you have passed the boxer test. The rest of you (us?) are doomed to fill in the other categories. Boxer Guy is a “dude” in every sense of the word – cool, casual, not afraid to let it all hang loose and as flat as the Pampas.

There is then the brief guy. I (and others of my ilk) fall into this category. I have kept at least a years’ supply in advance of my cotton M&S briefs. I’ve worn these since I was a kid and feel desperately insecure in anything else. Lately, my friend D has almost persuaded me to switch to Calvins. These include the long john versions which tuck everything in nicely. He has even found a dinky little Chinese shop that does amazing knock offs. I hate the thought of someone else’s name on my waistband, but must confess that these are incredibly comfortable. Brief Guy is safe, neatly tucked in and middle of the road.

Finally there is Y-front guy. These are the mainstay of the underwear industry and are characterized by the upside-down Y (depending on your angle of vision) that serves no apparent purpose. Millions of mothers have decreed that these are right for their little boys. And little boys, as we all know, are creatures of habit. Y front Guy is to be trusted, conservative – heck, just an ordinary guy or (in the gay context) a Fruit of the Loom.

What about the warning signals: synthetics (cheap, nasty and smelly). Patterns (especially slogans, teddy bears, hearts and the like) best avoided. Thongs, strings, dental floss: (kinky). Holes, frays (drop immediately or send to Queer Eye). Beware of underwear with no label – this has been acquired by the kilo off a cart at Juma Bazaar and denotes thrift. Finally, never trust a man over 18 who don’t buy his own.