Friday, March 18, 2005

The Weakest Twink

He’s done it again. My bestest friend has acquired himself a brand-new-state-of-the-art Twink. A twink, for the uninitiated, is a boyish boy or sometimes even a boyish man. The classic twink is usually this side of twenty-five, a high school or college student and homosexual. This year's model is sylph-like, has eyelashes that you can grab in a fist and bee-stung lips.

In the Pakistani scenario, twinks are usually well proportioned, good looking (somewhere between the merely decorative and drop dead gorgeous) with a budding penchant for the finer things of life. This covers everything from a perfume tester to an Armani jacket. Most twinks want to be "mo-dels" and carry their bulging portfolios around with them. Textbook twink has cultivated petulance and caprice to a degree of refinement hitherto unknown. This manifests itself in carefully choreographed expressions: The Mood, The Scowl and the The Pout. On a bad day, all three. The height of fun includes an evening at Pizza Hut, some sex and –if he’s been a good boy- an extra hour on PS2. Twink parents are notoriously negligent. Twink mom is oblivious to her son’s rapidly increasing designer wardrobe. Twink dad somehow overlooks his long absences from home –often to other cities. Finally, even the average twink knows that his indispensability is based on his youth. You will be constantly reminded of this by repeated references to the exams he is taking or the lecture he has to get to tomorrow morning. He is begging you to confess that the last time you did homework was in the early 80s.

It takes two to tango. Every Twink needs a Patron. Yin and Yang. The classic Patron is usually older (35ish upwards) with a strong sense of insecurity flowing from his fading beauty and prowess. He is amazingly bright but feels that his friends will satiate his intellectual yearnings sufficiently. He has enough intelligence for two people and is therefore willing to overlook brains in his significant other. He also has a deep yearning for youth and even deeper pockets. To him a twink is a trophy, a prize, a statement that he is still desirable despite the weathering effects of age. Play it again Bosie.

The whole Twinkology scene leaves me stone cold. Nothing can be worse than an evening where one is foisted with a twink for company. The twink usually arrives with bi’s, tri’s, ab’s and thighs testifying to a life spent in a sweaty gym. Invariably the Mood, Scowl and Pout appear when he discovers that I have no music by Maroon or Nine Inch Nails. (“What are we doing with this boring old man when we could be eating a Chicken Extravaganza with extra cheese?”) Attempts at conversation crash-land with the Patron invariably stepping in to rescue his protégé. You are regaled with stories of how brilliant the infernal child is (“He just got accepted at the LSE.”). If the blurbs are anything to go by, junior is all set for a Nobel, a Pulitzer or an Oscar – in 2072.
Twinks have inspired some great art, so all is not lost. Thomas Mann's "A Death in Venice" and Lucino Visconti's luscious film of the same name are paeans to Twinkism. On a less lofty note the Pet Shop Boys wrote a wicked song called "Rent" presenting a twink-eye view of life:
You phone me in the evening on hearsay /You bought me caviar/ You took me to a restaurant off Broadway /To tell me who you are /We never-ever argue,/ we never calculate/ The currency we've spent /I love you, you pay my rent

Don't get me wrong. I do not mean to trash all younger men in the process. Indeed I love younger men. I have been out with many truly fascinating younger men. It’s the dynamic, the power play, the money and the sheer Humbertishness of the twink-Patron relationship which scares me shitless. Fran Lebowitz (author of the definitive “Notes on Twink” in “Metropolitan Life” )said “All of God’s children are not beautiful. Some are barely presentable.” I rest my case.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jalal said...

The only reason why I cant get a proper man is because all of the ones that I like are looking for twinks.

I hate gay men.

7:55 pm  
Blogger Bruce Khan said...

Wow this post was a classic example of stereotypes, labels, caricatures. What you're describing is the idealized image and in real life it would be much more complex and with a million exceptions to the rules.
People love to label. They fit you in to some category because of some perceived characteristics. Maybe there's just a perceived dichotomy between the so-called twinks and their lovers.

3:18 am  
Blogger Bruce Khan said...

Wow this post was a classic example of stereotypes, labels, caricatures. What you're describing is the idealized image and in real life it would be much more complex and with a million exceptions to the rules.
People love to label. They fit you in to some category because of some perceived characteristics. Maybe there's just a perceived dichotomy between the so-called twinks and their lovers.

3:20 am  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Ouch Bruce. No offense meant. The syndrome is disturbing. I had to resort to stereotype to avoid offending people i know. Not everyone fits into the pattern...i have said that. And finally, some of it is tongue in cheek.

12:42 pm  
Blogger Sin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:33 pm  
Blogger Sin said...

Damn right not all of us fit into it. ;) I most certainly am NOT a twink, but that's more to do with having just turned 25, than with anything else.

Then again, what would we call the older guy who actively hunts down such sterling examples of juvenilia? I feel that "chickenhawk" isn't necessarily appropriate any more.

3:34 pm  
Blogger Uber Homme said...

Sin: There's a great cartoon of a chicken and egg in bed together. The chicken is ecstatic and smoking a cigarette. The egg is agitated and disturbed. The caption reads "Well, that's one question answered."

I guess it takes one type to generate another. In any case you're wayyyyy too intelligent to be a twink!

4:52 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home